I’m worried ill never have the chance to experience that moment of pure joy when you see your bride for the first time on your wedding day.
I can’t imagine anything can compare.
And it’s not like that’s the only thing I’m worried about when it comes to marrying a man instead of a woman but it’s become this symbol to me.
I just so badly want to get rid of the part of me that likes men. It honestly does sicken me. I think it does at least. I have this image of consuming some bleach like substance and feeling it drip down through me, acidic and painful until it just evaporates and I’m left with a normal me. Like a cleanse.
I guess I’m just feeling lonely as of late. I didn’t really realize what that feeling was until I visited my friend’s house this weekend for a party of his. I had a really great time. The people there were the type of people I want in my ideal group of friends, and I don’t really have that here. I have individual friends that are great, but being a part of a friend group is a different experience.
I think I just want to be a part of something with other people. I thought I was going to be in something with two other people who I started talking to more frequently, but I’m starting to feel like a third wheel. it’s to be expected really, since they were already best friends before I came in, but it’s still disappointing. I’m still trying to talk with both of them but I keep getting the impression that they’re only replying out of politeness and not because they want to talk to me. I’m not sure how I really feel about that to be honest. Some mixture of disappointment and resignation mainly.
I’m really not having a good night. I’ve had worse, but I just feel so drained. I feel like it became harder to tolerate things, and I didn’t want to listen to people’s problems.
I’m assuming this is what frustration feels like.
I feel like I must be romanticizing so many things about what I aim to be like.
Perhaps because I don’t want to accept that this is all there is to life, to the way I feel towards people.
It’s quite amazing how you can convince people you’re okay in just seconds.
I can honestly say I wish I had never started watching Teen Wolf.
Seeing what Jackson Whittemore is going through is starting to unravel years of emotional repression, and now I don’t know how to handle it. Screw not knowing what to feel, I’m still unsure on how to feel: how to react to having an emotion create a physical sense of pain. How are you supposed to deal with that?
I don’t see how people can deny that emotions make you weak. If this is really what emotions feel like, then I’ve never felt weaker. It’s a pathetic feeling and an unwelcome response.