Why can’t I just be okay with who I am. I don’t understand why I’m not.
Yet again, there’s every reason not to be.
This was dumb.
Whenever I make a post that has something to do with being ugly or insecure about my appearance, I get all these asks (anon and not) telling me I’m not and that I’m pretty or whatever. It’s so frustrating because I really don’t like people sending me pity messages. But then again, I guess some part of me wants the pity if I’m putting it online for all to see.
Somehow over the years, Nutella has become a symbol for me. I can’t even think of eating it without considering how in appealing I look and how hopeless my worries are. So anytime I eat it, you’ll know I’m in a fairly heavy state of self-deprecative thoughts and severely lacking self-esteem. I managed to eat half a jar this weekend, simply because I lost the will to care. I’m currently finding it very hard to keep my sense of hope and self-esteem to even a level of what might be considered below average.
I don’t really have anything to say about that, I’m just forcing myself to post about it.
One thing I need to work on is my tendency to avoid conflict.
Except that’s not how I’d phrase it. I need to work on being less passive, about not voicing my concerns out of some illogical anxiety.
I just had the chance to talk to someone about something that’s been bugging me for quite a long time, but I ignored the opportunity. I really wanted to as well, but I get so paranoid that me plaguing them with questions will just make them go away and stop talking to me in the first place. So I take what I can get.
Which isn’t a good frame of mind. But for now it’s all I’ve got.
So this is mainly a way to force myself to share my thoughts and feelings more often because that’s something I have a lot of trouble doing. I need an outlet for that stuff instead of bottling it all up. I’ll post stuff here I’m not comfortable posting on my main blog here.
Because I’m not good with sharing emotions.